Note: If you wish to use the following information, please refer back to http://www.collectiveunconscious.org/ All quotes by Maynard James Keenan, transcribed by: Galen (gaspcdz@yahoo.com). The following are quotes compiled from the year specified. All quotes are available throughout the site along with the corresponding setlists,recording info and other various information. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1998 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Maynardism: "How many of you suckers are coming back here tomorrow night? It will be a completely different show so you'll get to see a completely different thing & all you people that didn't buy tickets for tomorrow night, tomorrow night will be the better show. Sorry, I'm not going to wear anything tomorrow." Maynardism: "Hey! keep it down out there, we're trying to sleep" Maynardism: "Are you ready to do some of the good Lord's work? Well, you've come to the wrong place." Maynardism: "Who-hooo! Can you feel it? Plenty of work to do here tonight, you sinners" Maynardism: "Is, is, uh, sodomy still illegal in Arizona? Thank God. Gives us a goal to work for" Maynardism: "This next song, you probably haven't heard us play in a while, it's about safe sex in the 90's". Maynardism: "Let's light a few emotional candles here.I'm going to say 1-2-3 & I want you to yell yes as oud as you can." Maynardism: "This is, uh, a love song. It goes out to... you" Maynardism: "This next song is called, tell me what you want, what you really want" Maynardism: "(Turn you will) in your Bibles, because I know you all brought them, to Abraham, Ch. 3, verse 5. The Lord Almighty says I will punish you (minima?), I will strip you naked and let the nations see you, see you in all your shame. What God is saying, basically is, you all are wearing to many clothes, you all need to take them off. Take off the clothes" Maynardism: "I noticed you people aren't naked yet. The more naked people the better, it gets lonely in those hotel rooms. C'mon, you don't have much more time. A few more songs, then we'll leave. Then... Ozz" Maynardism: "And a happy Sunday to you! Y'all are a sleep" Maynardism: "Can ya feel it? Let me hear ya say yes! Louder! Yes. Praise, something or other" Maynardism: "Let me take a moment to introduce the players, the other televangelists here. On drums, we have Daniel - The Lion Fucker - Carey. Reverand Maynard - Slayer of Able - Keenan. Justin Chancellor, uh, unfortunately, a Jew. And, Adam - The Right Hand of Eve, Original Sinner - Jones, Reverand Jones on guitar." Maynardism: "One more time, let me here you say "yeeees! This time in French, say "oui", this time in Spanish, say "Si"! Good job!" Maynardism: "We have a very special guest here tonight, a person who has never seen us perform, her first time. She is horrified, it's my mother. Judy, take a bow. She'll be spanking me all the way back to the dressing room later because I've been a very naughty boy." Maynardism: "Good morning! Wake the fuck up!" Maynardism: "Goodness-gracious, good God-In-Hell! Waaakkkeee uh-aahhhp!" Maynardism: "Knock-knock. Fuck! " Maynardism: "You people seem a little nervous...what's wrong? Are you unhappy?" Maynardism: "Stick around for Ozzy." Maynardism: "We're going to try something different tonight. If you want to join in, try to find that space somewhere in there. It's a comfortable space and yet at the same time, it's a vulnerable space. Comfortable yet vulnerable space. We're going to look at something from a different angle tonight to see it in a while new light." Maynardism: "Goodness-gracious, Godzilla! You people better waaakkkke-uh-ahhhp!" Maynardism: "Turn with me if you will, I know you all brought them, turn with me if you will, to 'Mayhem: Ch. 1, verse 3'. 'The Lord almighty says: I will punish you Yenaba. I will strip you naked & let the Nations see you, see you in all your shame. What God is trying to say here is that people are wearing too many clothes, you gotta take off yer clothes to be one with Gaawwwd." Maynardism: "Toledo-edo. If everyone would stand still & stop breathing, it would get cooler in here. Do me that one favor" Maynardism: "We have a guest coming out with us now, to play on a couple songs. The Rev.Buzz - Lightyear - Melvin, elevangelist extraordinaire. Allow me to introduce the rest of the church - the Rev. Daniel 'the lion fucker' Carey! Rev. Maynard 'the slayer of able' Keenan. Justin Chancellor, unfortunately a Jew. And the Rev. 'original sinner along with eve' - Rev Adam Jones" Maynardism: "Are you all here to worship at the temple of God-zilla? The church of Jesus-Fucking-Christ! What we need you to do is positive energy. So, I need you to do that, I need you all to start fucking. Hold a pole, find a hole, fill it, jerk-it, a hungry hole with a hairy pole - crave for it!" Maynardism: "Do we have anyone who needs to be healed tonight? Can you feel it? I think we need to be doing some healing tonight, a little healing. Do we have anyone that needs to be healed tonight? Not just anyone, we pretend to be picking people but actually this is already set-up a head of time & we're going to bring him out now. You - need to be healed, you, Mr. Hippy. You, come out here & you, Mr. Man. What's your name son? What's wrong with you? A goiter, is it a heavenly goiter or a sinful goiter? Do you believe in the power of Jesus-Fucking-Christ? Well then be healed! Praise Jesus-Fucking-Christ." Maynardism: "What's your name son? What's your affliction Goober? Diarhea... and is it Satan's own diarhea or is it fundamentalist infectionalist diarrhea? Then, we need to heal yah. Do you believe in Jesus-Fucking-Christ? Satan, come in - fundamentalism out! Praise Jesus-Fucking-Christ!" Maynardism: "Son, what the fuck is wrong with you? A papercut, is it infected with fundamentalist propaganda? Do you believe in Jesus-Fucking-Christ? Be healed! Be healed! Rev. Buzz Lightyear from the Melvins, killl Kurt Wilson & a bunch of other fools!" Maynardism: "This song goes out to my cousing Kelly, who's here tonight. Everyone say 'hi' Kelly." Maynardism: "This, uh, this tour is coming to a close. This is the...only....three shows left so we have a special dedication to Sharon, Ozzy & the band. And the Ozzfest crew. We don't do thsi song very much so it's always nice to pull it out for special occasions. And it goes out to you as well." Maynardism: "Can ya feel it? Can I get a hallehuiah? Can I get an amen? Can I get a JESUS FUCKING CHRISSSSSST? Turn with me, if you will, with your Bible's, I know you all have them. The Lord almighty says, I will punish you, AEnima, I will strip you naked & let the nations see you, see you in all your shame. What God is trying to say here is that you're wearing too many clothes. You need to take off some of your clothes & start fucking. Creative energy. Grab a pole, fill a hole. A Holy hole & a holy hole. Tug & plug. Praise God!" Maynardism: "I think it's time for some healing. We need to do a little bit of healing. Does anyone need hea-aaaling? Oh look, there just happens to be two people over here who need healing. Welcome to the Church of Jesus Fucking Christ my son. What is your name? Buford Cussler, what is your affliction today? Would that be the fundamentalist propaganda crabs? Do you need to be healed? Do you believe in the church of Jesus Fucking Christ? Be healed my son." Maynardism: "You look like a decadent fuck, come here. We don't have all day son, we need to heal & get back to the rock. What's your name son? What? What's your affliction my son? You have a sore? Is it an oozing, pussing, propaganda fundamentalist sore? "It's a glistening ever-widening sore? You believe in the power of Jesus Fucking Christ? You're healed...now, get the fuck out of here. This is what happens when you fuck with God. The Reverened Buzz, lightyear Melvin, joining us on guitar." Maynardism: "Waaaaaakkkkeeee uh-ahhhp!" Maynardism: "So fortunate to see you again. Welcome to our world." Maynardism: "How many...child-bearing, cervite, lesbians are here tonight? Go girl...it's the way to go, trust me." Maynardism: "So earlier on, we were going on about something like how many opened minded, compassionate, experimental humans are here tonight & I have the response of <> ...so you'll have to proove it now. Here's what we want to do for you tonight, we want you to forget that we are even up here ...we want to be your background music, your little soundtrack. What we want you to do is find a consenting adult & start having sex. Because there are a lot of problems in the world & what we want to do is generate the most positive energy in the whole Universe -fucking- & patch it all up. So, grab a pole & fill a hole...do what you want to do." Maynardism: "This song we don't normally do but we're gonna do it special for you. Because we love you so much because you are such a considerate, compassionate audience...give yourself a round of applause. Actually, I'm lying - this song goes out to the Mighty Mighty Bosstones who came down to watch the show tonight. It's a Ted Nugent song but we won't really nail it because we can't play a real cover." Maynardism: "Welcome to the Church of Jesus-Fucking-Christ! Not Christ, but Jesus-the-Fucking-Christ. We're going to generate some positive energy tonight. The most positive energy in the whole Universe you can generate. We are going to take all of our clothes off, we are going to grab a pole, we're gonna fill a hole, the holy hole and the holy pole - start fucking. On your mark get set, go. Can I get an AMEN? Can I get a Hallehuiah! Can I get a Jesus Fucking Christ?" Maynardism: "We don't normally do this song but it seems like a special occasion, don't you think? This song goes out to Dane & Lilly...newborns. Not even old enough to jack-off, it goes out to them." Maynardism: "Halleuhiah! I heard this is a gambling town & gambling is a sin so we're gonna correct all that tonight! How many of you are here to do the good lord's work? Well, you've come to the wrong place" Maynardism: "This is the church of JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Not Jesus, not Christ, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallehuiah? Can I get a JESUS FUCKING CHRIST? Amen." Maynardism: "Reeeeeeeeeeeno!" Maynardism: "I noticed that none of you are naked and to really enjoy a Tool show, you gotta be completely naked, you gotta have your hand on a pole and, ah, your finger in a whole. And you'll really enjoy this situation a lot more. Trust me, I know. Think of us as like your porno music -- you guys go ahead and start fucking. We'll be your soundtrack; ignore us" Maynardism: "I noticed that you are not naked & that means your not fucking & that disappoints me. You don't necessarilly have to freak, like with other people, but, y'know, fuck. If you're just to damn ugly to find a partner, masturbate! This song is about rectal water sports - if that doesn't give you a hard on, nothing will" Maynardism: "Seaaaattttlleeee! Are you ready to do some of the good lord's work? Well, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. This is the not the church of Jesus, this is not the church of Christ, this is the Jesus Fucking Christ! Can I get an Amen? Can I get a Hallehuiah? Can I get a Jesus Fucking Christ!? Gonna do some healing, a little bit of healing tonight" Maynardism: "Sorry about all the space frome here to the barricade but we heard that Sacramento is suffering from a disease known as homophobia so we thought we should give you your safe space, you wouldn't really be uptight. And just not woooory too much. This song, like all the other songs is about - anal sex" Maynardism: "Can ya feel it? Are you in the mood for a little bit of healing tonight? We're gonna be doing some deep, deep emotional work tonight. Some deep healing. We're gonna start with all these Grateful Dead fans over here." Maynardism: "We have a guest, it's my personal hairdresser...Ms. Buzz Melvin. Can we have a hand for Ms. Buzz? He does a fabulous manicure as well. This is a song of deep passionate love" Maynardism: "Can ya feeeeeel it? There are some miracles in the air tonight! Are you ready for some heaaaaling?" Maynardism: "Allow me to introduce the cast of characters. In this our final revival show. Rev. Daniel 'the lion fucker' Carey. The Rev. Majnard James Keenan 'slayer of able'. Rev. Adam 'initial sinner' Jones. And Justin Chancellor, unfortunately a mute. A Canadian. And, a financial advisor" _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________