Note: 

If you wish to use the following information, please refer back to http://www.collectiveunconscious.org/ 
All quotes by Maynard James Keenan, transcribed by: Galen (gaspcdz@yahoo.com). 

The following are quotes compiled from the year specified. All quotes are available throughout the site along 
with the corresponding setlists,recording info and other various information.
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2001
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Maynardism: 
"Where the fuck have you people been? We've been waiting here for hours-thank you, goodnight."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for coming down. We would like to take this opportunity to congratulate Danny - yesterday 
 was the last day of his parole. We won't go into details but suffice to say- no contest. She didn't have any I.D. 
 on her...." 

Maynardism: 
"Here's what you want to do. So, uh, let's catch up. What you been up to? One at a time. Down on the floor, 
 starting with the 'J's"

Maybardism: 
"I'd just like to take this time to say-nice tits. No, not her. The guy down in front with no shirt"

Maynardism: 
"Just so you know what this is all about; with everything going on in the world, legal & whatnot, we haven't had a 
 chance to concentrate on what really matters, which is the music. So alot of these songs haven't been played for 
 three  years. So, what these four shows are all about is about us remebering what we did, remembering who we are to 
 each other & remembering why it is we are actually here. See, we are very paranoid. That's why all these  places are
 so small - we don't want to play in front of a bunch of people, just you.Because we know you'll forgive us"

Maynardism: 
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Must've been another life"

Maynardism:
"Wanna hear some good news? Sometime later this year, there's gonna be a full, feature length Mr. Show movie. 
 Its the story of Ronnie Dobbs called 'Run, Ronnie Run' You heard it here first. Those retarded gentlemen that 
introduced the show are part of that. Don't hold that against them"

Maynardism:
"Did you miss us? So, let's catch up, what have you been doing for the last...one at a time. Starting with 
the A's, this side. Ok, the B's, no A's, B's. Just kidding. We'll assume you've been working hard, staying in school."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you, for your, support. And your faith. More importantly, your faith.Thank you very much for that. It's been, 
 quite a journey to this moment. And the only way we could make it here, is through communication. This song is 
 called Schism. We've renamed the song, it's now called 'the dirty banana'. It goes out to Camilla ((Adam's wife))"

Maynardism:
"Apparently, there's a lot of really nice museums in Amsterdam. We didn't make it to any of them. And we're ashamed 
 of this. Anyone want this? (takes a hit of the joint)If you eat that, I'll be proud of you. But I'm not going to tell 
 you where it's been. Rest assured it involves a red light. Or so I hear, don't know - first hand"

Maynardism:
"Um, I think there might've been a bit of confusion earlier. About the whole, 'banana' thing. Please, let me explain. 
 We had some friends, they might have been from our record company, hard to say, they told us that we were going to 
 go to a place where the Backstreet Boys had gone & watched some 'questionable activities'. We misunderstood. We 
 thought they meant that the Backstreet Boys were there - performing questionable activities. Big misunderstanding. 
 Now, that I would pay to see"

Maynardism: 
"Then we started playing out, Adam was kinkd of wanting me to do some stuff with him. And, uh, having heard everything 
 I'd heard so far I was like I don't want to get involved in that (music)  industry. It sounds like a joke."

Maynardism: 
"A lot of you stuck around for us, and it showed up this week when our new record came out."

Maynardism: 
"Good evening. We are, we have been & we will be Tool. Thank you for coming. You can drink that one, it's ok, I
 didn't pee in that one. I did pee in that one. I warned you" 

Maynardism: 
"Thank you. See you soon."

Maynardism: 
"Hopefully, we will see you again soon... you have approximately nine minutes to get naked. It will be our gift to  Radiohead."

Maynardism: 
"We'll be back soon to see you...until then, do something positive."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for your support. In a way, this is kind of a home-coming for us... since our great-grandfathers 
 were from here. Having looked around, it's hard to imagine why they would leave. Thank you for your support."

Maynardism: 
"Good evening Glasgow. We just got word, we just got word that there somebody's here with their child...and they 
 lost their child. He's about six feet high with a little mohawk. His name is Chris Loudon; we call him. He only 
 responds to, like, candy bars & boiled eggs & things like that. So, if you see him...tell him his mommy's at the 
 snack bar."

Maynardism: 
"Hi, hi...come on Sam, whip out your flock of seagulls."

Maynardism: 
"We hope to see some of you tomorrow night."

Maynardism: 
"Because you people were good enough to allow us to play two nights in a row, we decided to do a song we haven't 
 done yet. Nothing like a little pressure, eh guys?"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for your support. We'll be back soon, hopefully. We want you to take whatver it is you are 
 feeling, good or bad, go out in the coming weeks & do something positive with that feeling. Generate some goodness.
 If you are really lazy, just have sex instead. In fact, you have about 9 minutes left to be naked. And...begin"

Maynardism: 
"Hi. Thank you for this pleasant greeting.There must've been some mis-communication. We heard this was supposed to 
 be a costume party. Nice flag. Did you make it? That one's nice as well."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much. We, we are Tool. We'd like to thank you for this warm, warm reception. And hopefully, we'll 
 be back soon even though you didn't take your clothes off."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for your support. We have an assignment for you, we want you to, uh, take this feeling you've 
 been having for this whole day - all the music you've heard - take this feeling you're haing, take it home & in 
 the following weeks create something positive with it. We need, we need more creative people out there doing 
 positive things because the bad guys are winning. So let's do some good shit, shall we? Thank you very much."

Maynardism: 
"Good afternoon, we are Tool." (with voice effect - reverb)

Maynardism: 
"Hey, some of you look familiar. Didn't I see you last year next door?" (referring to A Perfect Circle) 

Maynardism: 
"Thank you, very much. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank somebody for putting up with us; we've been 
 touring through Europe with a band called Cortizone & we'd like to give them a special thanks. They've been very,
 very, very, very tolerant of our 'tom-foolery'. We'd like to thank them. Say thank you Cortizone -- ok, now in 
 English. Just kidding."

Maynardism: "Hut, hut, hut , hut, hut! Good evening Roskilde!"

Maynardism: 
"Good evening. Unfortunately, Guns N Roses couldn't make it. So, instead, we bring you: "'puppet show'. 
 Featuring, Chino Maraino."

Maynardism: 
"I notice, you all still have your clothes on. That's a big no-no at festivals. We've got two songs -two long 
 songs- and you still have your clothes on."

Maynardism: 
"Unfortunately, today, is Slim's last show with us. This is Slim, over here. It turns out that he has a very, 
 very, very contagious & incurable rash. On his ass. Along with that, he has an unconscious habit of sleepwalking 
 at night and rubbing his bare ass on people while they are sleeping. So we have to get rid of him. Thank you for
 your inspiration, Slim. I hope the rash clears up."

Maynardism: 
"I've just been told that two more people are leaving our crew as well, going home, Brad & Piere. 
 Apparently, they caught Slim's Rash. Have to go home. Just trying to figure out what three men were doing together 
 to catch the same rash."  

Maynardism: "Huh. Good evening Canada" 

Maynardism: 
"Happy Canada day. We thought we would drop by, make some popcorn & watch some television with you"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much. You are very, very, very enthusiastic. Are you all on drugs? Just checking"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very, very much. You are as enthusiastic as we remember & very hospitable. We'd like to thank some 
 of your local people for being very nice to us yesterday; we hung out at the bar called RPM. Thank you very much 
 for your time, your free drinks & your blowjobs. This song is all about that. It goes to Tarrina, wherever the 
 hell you are." 

Maynardism: 
"As you all know, art saves lives. So in order to have art, you have to be a very creative person. So you have to 
 take the non-conformist oath. Are you ready? Repeat after me. Think for yourself. Question authority. Strive to be 
 different. Strive to be unique. Never repeat things that other people say"

Maynardism: 
"Good evening. Are you prepared?"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for your patience, your support & hopefully, we'll see some of you again tomorrow. That's about 
 22 hours from now. I suggest that you all, as a statement, an artistic statement, get naked until then. Just take it
 all off. Just as a statement. All except the guys. No statement needs to be made except you down here by the stage 
 with the black  hat & black shirt; you are kind of cute. Nothing we like more than a bunch of sweaty little boys, 
 shirtless, rubbing up against each other. This song is dedicated to them"

Maynardism:
"Think for yourself, question authority. Think for yourself, question authority. And of  course, get naked"  
 
Maynardism: 
"Good evening. Tonight, is all about pleasure. It is an absolute pleasure to see you again. It is an 
 absolute pleasure to share the stage with King Crimson. 

Maynardism: 
"Fuck it. Let's all say 'wake the fuck up' on the count of three. One, two, three"

Maynardism: 
"We're glad we could make it down here tonight to share this moment."

Maynardism: 
"Suffice to say, we haven't played that one in a while. Perhaps we should go buy the CD & learn  it"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much." 

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much. Hopefully, hopefully, you were wise enough to show up early to see King Crimson. It's a rare 
 chance, a very rare chance. A meeting of those two worlds is very important so you can see where it came from and 
 where it's going. But I know it's cool. They were the bricklayers. They were the ones who remained anonymous & fought
 the good fight. And, uh, we'd like to thank them for coming out with us."

Maynardism: 
"Every now & then, we have to ask ourselves why it is we do this. It's never really more apparent or appropriate as 
 it is when we are in LA. We get so convoluted. Everyone's got their fucking hand out, their all a bunch of liars & 
 thieves & acquaintences. We just have to remind ourselves that it's about this - what we are feeling right now, 
 that's what it's about. Fuck 'em."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much. We are glad you could come down"

Maynardism: 
"I'm assuming, of course, that you were wise enough to show up early for  King Crimson. Those of you that didn't 
 should have to pay twice."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for listening. Hopefully, we'll meet again soon."

Maynardism: 
"I have some good news & I have some bad news. First, the bad news - the bad guys are winning. You can't tell me 
 that none of you bought any Backstreet Boys albums. Here's the good news - it's not too late. Here's how it's going 
 to start, we are going to take the non-conformist oath. So, repeat after me: "strive to be different, strive to be 
 unique, question authority, think for yourself, never repeat things other people say."

Maynardism: "Art saves lives."

Maynardism: 
"It seems like, in big cities like Los Angeles, New York, London, Chicago, San Francisco, it seems like its more 
 apparent that the uh, the bad guys are in those town. You know, the energy suckers, the vampires. This next
 song goes out to those of you who are the artists who are trying to keep it alive. And we'd like to say to all you
 energy suckers, you industry people, you liars, you thieves, you cock-suckers, you aliens, you vampires; why don't 
 you go eat a big bad of salty dicks...and just let us create. Thank you." 


Maynardism (09.13.01 - two days after the events of 09.11.01, obviously. Consider the context:) 
"I'm assuming, that everyone here would like to get home safely. So we need the crowd, up in the front here to take 
 two steps back. Two steps back. Two steps back. Now add two more steps, four steps back. One more, five steps back. 
 Two steps, five steps. Good move. We are the Scott-Hill Clown Band, thank you vey much for coming" 

Maynardism (09.13.01): 
"So how many of you would like to take the non-conformists oath? So repaet after me, think for yourself. Question 
 authority. Strive to be different. Strive to be unique. And never repeat things that other people say"  
    (09.13.01) 
    MJK:  "Thank you very much. We're finding it very, uh, understandably, we're finding it very very difficult to  
           concentrate tonight. On the, this, on the eve of the third world war..." 
    CROWD:"USA USA USA USA USA USA"
    MJK:  "You all are going to be really bummed out when you find out it was the USA that did it, ok? This is a 
           time to kind of remember why it is you do what you do. Rediscover your intent. And for God's sake, 
           remember that art saves lives"

Maynardism: 
"Huh...so, it's been quite the, it's been quite the week. Seems like we're faced with some choices. They are old 
 choices but they are being presented again...over & over again. The choices of course are clear, do we choose fear?
 Or do we choose love & compassion? We choose compassion & love."
    CROWD: "USA USA USA USA USA USA"
      MJK: "Hang on, here's a cool thing you might want to think about Mr. USA chanter...we just got our asses 
            kicked, you might want to hold the applause for just a minute until we figure out just what we did wrong. 
            This song is about communication & only then will there be world peace. Communicating with each other"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much. Hopefully, we have been somewhat of a soundtrack for healing. One of the many missions of
 this moment we're sharing together is to be, become more conscious. Globally conscious, Universally conscious. As
 a collective. I hope we are reaching that goal tonight."

Maynardism: 
     CROWD: "USA USA USA USA USA USA"
       MJK: "This is not a political forum. This is a moment that we're sharing to explore intelligent life
             on Earth.
  
Maynardism: 
"Wonderful to see you again."

Maynardism: 
"We would like to say thank you to our opening band 'Meshuggah'. This is their last show with us, tonight, it 
 turns out that they are living on borrowed time. They sold their souls to Satan & he came to collect so they 
 are being Fed-Exed to Stonehenge where they will be immediately sacrificed by a three-cocked donkey with 
 haleotosis. But then they get to spend all eternity with Satan so it's not all bad."

Maynardism: 
"We'll see you again soon."

Maynardism:
"Thank you very much for coming. We have an assignment for you. We'd like you to remember the feeling you're having. 
 This moment we've shared. This feeling you're having take it home, & in the coming weeks, create something positive 
 with it"

Maynardism: 
"We'd like to stay longer, but I've got to pee."

Maynardism: 
"We have some good news. Friends of ours are releasing an album tonight at midnight --- Tenacious D. We highly 
 recommend Tenacious D."

Maynardism: 
"Good evening."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for coming. Hopefully, this moment we've shared together has served as some sort of catalyst
 in your healing. On some level."

Maynardism: 
"Hopefully, we'll see some of you tomorrow."

Maynardism: 
"Hopefully, we'll see some of you tomorrow. Please be careful going home, look out for your brother & sister. 
 Get home safely. We'd like to leave you with a thought. We'd like you to remember this feeling your having whether 
 its good, bad or indifferent, remeber this feeling you're having & take it home. And in the coming weeks, create 
 something positive with it"

Maynardism: 
"It's been a pleasure sharing this moment with you. Hopefully, we have served as a catalyst in some form of healing.
 We would like you to do something for us. Not just for us but for the entire global community. We'd like you to 
 remember this feelin you're feeling. Take it home with you & in the coming weeks, create something that will 
 heal everyone"

Maynardism: 
"We're drinking to the possibility of infinite lap-dances in heaven. And an infinite supply of cocaine to be 
snorted out of David Lee Roth's ass-crack. Along with O.J."

Maynardism: 
"Ladies & gentleman -- Dave Lombardo, the Sheila E. of techno-reggae"
                     
Maynardism:
"Thank you for coming. I'll see again soon, I'm sure"

Maynardism: 
"This is the last show we're doing with our friends, Fantomas. So we wanted to decicate a song to them that we 
 don't normally do. It's called 'Buzz has a hairlip.'" <ticks & leeches>

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much Dale. That was Dale frome the Melvins. If you've ever wondered who the guy is in the 
 purple dinosaur costume, that is Barney, it's Dale. Dale is Barney. Little known fact.

Maynardism: 
"Well, there you have it."

Maynardism: 
"Come again?"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for coming. We'd like to dedicate this next song to our former wet nurse & my current 
 fiance Pete Beetle. It's called AEnima."

Maynardism: 
"Minor suggestion, a minor suggestion. If you take your raincoats which are garbage bags, if you take your 
 raincoats, take all your clothes off & stick them inside then they won't get wet."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you so much for coming"

Maynardism:
"Please, on your way home watch out for each other, get home safely. And while your traveling and you are 
 reminiscing about tonight, about our moment, try to hang onto that feeling you have whether you've had a good night,
 a bad night, an indifferent night, it doesn't matter --- remember this feeling you are having and in the coming 
 weeks use that feeling to create-something-positive."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for coming. Please travel safely on your way home, look out for each other. Get home safely.
 We have an assignment for you, we would like you to remember these feelings you are having tonight. Keep in mind 
 this moment we've shared whether you've had a good experience, a bad experience or an indifferent experience, we 
 want you to remember these feelings & in the coming weeks use these feelings to create something positive"

Maynardism: 
"Is everyone ok? So, needless to say, you're going to be looking out for each other & keeping each other safe, 
 right? Wanna get home alive right? It's only a fucking rock band, right?"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you for coming. Please travel safely on your way home. We have something we would like you to think about. 
 We would like you to remember this feeling you are having tonight, remeber the feeling from this moment we've 
 shared & in the coming weeks -- we'd like you to use that feeling to create something positive."

Maynardism: 
"That's all there really is, isn't it? This moment. Everything else is just a memory. Like the more you dumb-asses 
 with  the cameras are spending all that time fumbling with  your cameras you are missing the rest of the moment 
 that the rest of us are sharing. And when you lose your photos, you have no memory of this moment."

Maynardism: 
"Good-evening. We are going to need you guys to take a deep breath. Ready? In...and out. And then everyone take 
 two steps back...we can all get home back. Two steps back. Cool? Now take another half-step back... now add 
 another half-step." 

Maynardism: 
"Thank you Perry & thank you Hawk. Hawk & PErry from Tricky, thank you very much. And of course, Matk & Hannah 
 from Osseus Labyrinth."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for coming. Hopefully, you got here early enough & were wise enough to open your hearts to 
 Tricky.It's an honor to share the stage with Tricky. Thank you for coming"

Maynardism:
"We'd like to dedicate this one to Rob." (Undertow)

Maynardism: 
"Good evening. It's good to see you all. Especially all of out Hollywood guests. This next song we don't normally 
 do but seeing as how we have so many very important guests from Hollywood, we figured we'd do it for you. 
 Incidentally, can we get you anything else? Cold beer, hot chocolate, pillow on your fucking seat? Anything? Good"

Maynardism:
"Thank you Perry, that's Perry from Tricky." 

Maynardism: 
"Joe Paul Slavey. Runner-up in the make a wish foundation contest, Vermont chapter."

Maynardism: 
"Hopefully, most of you were wise enough to be here early & hear Tricky. It's not often that you will get that 
 opportunity. Hopefully, this evening has been a catalyst for inspiration or healing. Hopefully, you'll take these
 feelings home with you & in the coming weeks, create something positive."

Maynardism: 
"Thank you very much for sharing this moment with us. Hopefully, we have been a catalyst for some healing or 
 inspiration & you can turn it into something positive in the time to come."

Maynardism:
"Hopefully, most of you were wise enough to get here early & opened your hearts for Tricky. Thank you very much for 
 coming. Hopefully, this moment that we've shared will serve as a catalyst for some kind of inspiration or healing 
 or both. Hopefully, you'll take these feelings home with you & in the coming weeks create something positive"

Maynardism: 
"Thank you Tricky. And thank your entire crew, it's been a pleasure. Thank you very much for making this last show 
 special. Hopefully, we have been a catalyst for some kind of inspiration for healing. Hopefully, you will hang onto
 these feelings you are having & in the coming weeks, use these feelings to create something positive


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