NOTE: 01/24/2009

The following are many of the infamous quotes that MJK has bestowed upon the masses throughout the years. These were taken from "Maynardisms" off of These are pieces of wisdom(?), comedy  and, of course, lots of references to silly love songs. Click on the
year for the quotes from the specified time  period. All collected quotes are in the format of "Notepad". You will need to hit your browser's back button to return to this page. If you have some quotes that are not listed here, collect as many as you want to & send them to me & I will update this section when enough turn up.  Include show date. This section was first created in 2004 with plans to continue, however, this will most likely never be updated after this point. So, enjoy it as it is.

"That was a love song. This is a love song too. It's called: Rocking Hole - Yeah, yeah, yeah."
(08.01.92 - Phoenix, AZ, USA)

"Hi - we're Tool, we're from Los Angeles, CA and we have one mission and that is to make the world a better place to live in. So, what I'd like you to do now, I want you, you completely intellectually-inept Beavis & Butthead lovers, I want you to turn to those punk-rock haircut dudes & you punk-rock haircut dudes I want you to turn to those happy, savvy, fucking dead-head hippie fucks, I want you all to give each other a big sloppy kiss & say: "I forgive you for being a fucking idiot! thank you, goodnight... so, you want us to play? We're the headliner's - so shut up!"
(12.11.93 - Santa Ana, CA, USA)

"So, uh, after the show, we're going to have a moustache-camaro contest, that's a moustache-camaro contest in the back, so all you young boys with too much energy can show up back there. I'm going to be honest with you, ok? I think, uh, this entire world revolves around honesty and taking risks so I'm just going to go ahead and do that. It were raining someplace and you were there, I wouldn't pay money to come and see you."
(05.28.94 - Bremerton, WA)

"This is Easter, I think, isn't it? So, this is the day they nail that meat on a stick or is that another day? I don't know. Decent meals are hard to find on a day like this. That's shit. We're going to get some Chinese food later, yeah, believe that shit."
(04.16.95 - Melbourne, Australia)

"People keep asking us where Paul is. That's a really funny question. See, if Paul was still in the band then we wouldn't have a new fucking record. That's why Paul isn't in the band anymore."
(10.21.96 - San Francisco, CA, USA)

"So, I'd like to clear up a little misconception about the band if I could. A lot of people think that just because there's a lot of energy coming from off the stage like this that we're all about hate, violence and stuff like that. And that's just not the case. We're about a lot of things; unity, evolving thoughts and ideas, choosing compassion over fear, emotional, and, uh, anger. Which is ok. Anger is constructive, unlike hate -  that is destructive."
(04.11.97 - Sydney, Australia)

"Can ya feel it? Can I get a hallehuiah? Can I get an amen? Can I get a Jesus Fucking Chrissssst!? Turn with me, if you will, with your Bible's, I know you all have them. The Lord Almighty says, 'I will punish you, AEnima, I will strip you naked and & let the nations see you - see you in all your shame. What God is trying to say here is that you're wearing to many clothes. You need to take off some of you clothes & start fucking. Creative energy. Grab a pole, fill a hole. A Holy hole & a Holy pole. Tug & plug... Praise
(08.01.98 - Raleigh, NC, USA))

"Are you happy? On three, can I get a big fat yes? One, two, three! How about in French, which is 'oui', in case you didn't know that. One, two, three! And in Spanish, 'si'. One, two, three!"
(10.10.99 - Indio, CA, USA)

"I'm assuming that everyone here would like to get home safely. So, we need the crowd, up in the front, to take two steps back. Two steps back. Two steps back. Now, add two more steps, four steps back. One more, five steps back. Two steps. Five steps. Good move. We are the 'Scott-Hill Clown Band', thank you very much for coming."
(09.13.01 - Grand Rapids, MI, USA)

"Good evening Long Beach. We assume you've come to have fun. We assume you've come to have fun. if you don't mind, we're gonna specify what kind of fun we have in mind. Not the, uh, not the WWF-MTV-dry-hump-dipshits gone wild on crack kind of fun. And of course, not the dick-Durst, Kid Cock, big-time Monster Truck Rally kind of fun either because we aren't going to under-estimate your intelligence. The kind of fun we have in mind tonight is intelligent fun, compassionate fun, psychadelic & introspective fun. Hopefully, the kind of fun thatleaves you inspired, not just on a physical/sensual level but also on a mental/spiritual level. The kind of fun that scares the fuck out of religious fanatics and
Republicans. In other words, dangerous fun. So, are you ready for that? Ok. Where were we?"
(11.24.02 - Long Beach, CA, USA)